Introduction

Values are the beliefs and standards that shape many aspects of our lives, including what we want in the future and how we get what we want.  When what we want is a defined end that we work to attain, it is a goal.  Goals and values are inextricably tied together because our values shape our goals and our goals reflect our values.

Values are so ingrained that they can direct our lives in an almost subconscious way.  This can make sharing them with our children problematic.  In addition, we may have the mistaken belief that our children will automatically understand and absorb our values even when we don’t articulate them.  However we’re not the only influences in our children’s lives, especially as they grow older, so it’s important to actually tell our children what our values are.  But how do we communicate our values without lecturing?  How do we share our goals for them without pressuring in an unhealthy way?

In truth, because our children are not extensions of ourselves, we cannot set goals for them in the way we set goals for ourselves.  What we can do is develop expectations.  We can expect them to do well academically and help them succeed in school.  We can expect them to lead healthy lives and help by providing good nutrition and opportunities to play sports or to enjoy a physical activity.

As children grow and change, expectations about what they will pursue and accomplish will likely change, too.  Instead of being based solely on parents’ values and circumstances, our expectations become informed by our children’s abilities, personalities, and interests.  As our children grow into teenagers and adults, the expectations we parents have had give way to our children’s own goals.  How well a child is able to construct goals independently depends on how well she knows herself and how skillful she is at setting and achieving goals.

Parents can help by providing opportunities for their children to learn about themselves.  We can also give our children space both to dislike the activities we may like and to like what we do not.  Another important step is to teach our children the skill of goal setting, a skill that can be useful throughout their lives.

The process of goal setting helps children learn about themselves — their likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, as well as their talents and gifts.  It helps them focus their energy.  Achieving goals they find meaningful builds self-confidence and self-worth. 

As children experience the difference that setting their own goals can make in sports or academics or in another field, they are more likely to apply goal setting to other areas of their lives. Regardless of their eventual career or lifestyle choices, being able to set and achieve goals equips a person to lead a life that is self-directed and filled with meaning.